delicacy

Why is it that the only thing that appears to make up for this life I am taken prisoner to is the delicacy of a sweet upon my tongue?

Poems

If the poems have a name on them for who wrote them I didn't write them, otherwise I wrote them=). Sooooo I'll give credit to them alrighty? and if you want your poem on here just send it to me and I'll put it up with your name on there.

Paranoia

A bird merciful and strange,

it doesn't make a change,

cocking it's head in vain,

sweet dreams the bird must have.

The birds silky feathers,

shining in the gleaming sun,

spread guiltily.

It's head twists back and forth rapidly.

Paranoia striking it's veins.

Strike me with your presence,

hurt me with your words,

show me what it is to be alone,

but I have the advantage.

You're the food chain's main prey

and I am the hunter of my day.

The wind blows,

A river flows,

Noises created by squawking crows.

Let my mind flow,

Let the rhythym know.

Cry until you don't

Treason, unfair

Caught in traps

like a young, wild bear

Do not swear

For I am the last one who seems to care.

I think I'm losing it. Simply put, I'm becoming paranoid.

Losing.

Other than now being alone I'm at a loss for words. I know this seems....redundant but...love should not exist.I'm "somnolent" today. You wanna know what that means cause I have such a huge vocabulary? It means drowsy and I'm getting more and more "somnolent" by the week. My eyes have lines under them and I can barely keep my eyes open. They're blinking rapidly trying to tell me to sleep, I don't want to. I guess I have a tendency to be...sad but I'm not sure what to call that. I've had some one tell me to go try to see some one for my nightmare issue. I'm afraid too, that seems...bad. What if they make me take medicine? What do I tell them that "I'm sorry but....I can't take those...It's kinda like a phobia.". They'd tell me to stop being an idiot and take them like they did last year when I was sick. I hate doctors even if my mom's an x-ray tech.

That all seemed rather depressed and blase.

Well I'm ignorant and blind.

So I guess that's it. I don't think I'm smart, I think I'm ugly, and fat and I don't give a fuck what you think about my opinion. Cause honestly I'm sick of people telling me not to think I'm ugly or fat or smart because honestly, if you think about it in my perspective I am.

I'm sorry. I'm getting carried away, I love italic. It's so beautiful compared to regular. Too bad it doesn't serve much of a purpose.

My dad's still working on our house and it's wearing me down to a piece of thread as thin as a fingernail, maybe thinner. I hear car doors slamming, confused. I just now thought about if maybe you can't follow any of this. On the other hand it doesn't matter I guess, I just want to get this out not make it insanely public. Cause honestly I want my thoughts hidden

Anyways I must go goodbye, friends and peers

Anorexia

No longer am I sure what to say...
Everything seems so invisible, so relevent.
EVERYTHING
I think I'm losing my mind again. I feel so sad and nothing feels right but I swear I'm not emo or depressed. It feels like a repeat of last summer, so trivial. I'm tired of it.

I'm growing fatter and fatter every day and I know why. My friends would call me anorexic because I wasn't hungry enough to eat that much. That was just how I was. They would call me anorexic, tell me I was like a stick, and each one they'd say in a pissed voice.I wasn't happy with my weight, I wanted to be skinnier. They'd never seen me...well if you know what I mean. So...I started to eat more and more and more cause I was tired of the same thing every week maybe even daily about me being "anorexic". I'm not and never have been anorexic. Now they don't even mention it and I won't look in the mirror any more. I'm tired of myself, tired of me.

I realized today(like I do almost every day) that I was ugly, just today it seemed significant. Please don't get me the wrong way. Every one seems to have issues with people like me who can't help themselves but I don't want that. I guess I'm just writing this so I don't have to tell actual people. So I don't have to tell people I'm terrible and hate myself.

My nightmares are coming back and I look tired. I look like I can't sleep. I'm not an insomniac. I just...have nightmares. The nightmares have been going on for about three weeks now. I've only told 1 or 2 people about them,

I thought they were gone.

I thought...

everything.

Now I'm starting to notice everything every one does again. From the position they stand to the nervous quiver of their lip. I'm sick of myself. I can't help it! Some one stop me. No one wants to be friends with a depressed person and that obviously makes it no better. People wonder why depressed people never come out of that slump, I'll tell you why. It's because people treat them like shit and they don't know any better than to think they're terrible or hated because that's what you damned people tell them!

I'm getting out of hand, I'm sorry. So for any one who reads this. Last summer I wouldn't eat much, wouldn't sleep much, and I don't know the exact definition of depressed but I think you could say I was but this is something I wrote about 5 weeks ago.

Show me reality when I see no light.

Hug me till there is no fright.

When my minds foggy blow away the clouds.

When I doubt that you love me

whisper until I hear shouts.

I crawl across light, open space

blinded by the colors shining in my face.

Lead me through your mind,

show me treasures I thought I'd never find.

Take my heart away but maybe you can see

it's beat is still unrhymed.

It's happy. I can't help myself. My mind runs through everything. I felt so....blinded like I had before last summer. I'm only getting worse....and no one can notice because I want no one to know. I don't want to be that person again.

Only Frayed

The loved run away,
The title only frayed,
Lost in the life of unbeaten but betrayed,
No longer shall I sway,
Beaten by the betrayed.

A graveyard shivering,
corpses gone bad,
My life seems to follow them,
Each person I love,
going bad.

Persons on the street,
only staring at me,
watching my expression,
I feel I shiver.

Like the corpses at the graveyard,
Like the shadows of the moon,
Like the boyfriends betrayal,
I'm lost,
only seeking the color of maroon.

The blood shining against satin,
as my love for you depressed,
leaving you and I as shadows,
caressing atmosphere.

Life is becoming fragile,
as you shake your head and cry,
let no one be your comfort,
for every one will die,
when your life seems to be leaving,
only inch by inch,
you'll understand the rhyme I taught
to every single kid.
For each loved one has to die,
along with them their lies,
It's only normal to cry,
every one must lie.
An adult is no different,
from the child crying whines,
lies are given to every one,
to keep the loved ones alive.

So teach me a story,
let me tell it to my child,
the story starts from the beginning,
don't miss anything at all.
Ignorant as I may be,
the blind still see more,
for I was lost and forgotten.
A baby at your door.
Don't give me your excuses,
don't give me your last whine,
tell me you forgive me.
Never again let your liar decide your life.

I haven't posted anything in a while. This weekend I went and listened to a piano competition well....it wasn't really that much of a competition it was more of a...class...sort of. It was good, very good. I play piano myself but I'm pretty much terrible at this point. I went to my brothers after that. His wife(kristin), john(my brother), and I went out to eat but since I'd already eaten I just had a piece of cake. The cake was suuuuper yummy!! Then we went and walked around a bit in the park. We went to their house after this and played playstation. We played a game where you had to sing and it was 80's. I found I knew the 80's songs better than the more recent ones, haha! It was 'mazin. Kristin and I played for most of the time though and we were pretty good.=). Than we played Katamari which is a japanese game where you roll this sticky rubber ball type thing around and try to pick up so much stuff, or certain things(they pretty much give you missions). Sometimes it'd start to say stuff in japanese too. It was hilarious!! After that we went to this frozen yogurt place, it served frozen yogurt out of a machine. Hell yeah. Then we went and picked up my sis from the airport and even though I wasn't entirely prepared I spent the night. I went back home the next day with my mom. We went shopping a bit which wasn't that bad actually. Normally I hate it. I talked to "my love" as in the other stories lol and he's angry at me...I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. I'm left speechless, stunned by the impertinence of the event.

Treason

Pain is why we find such reasons to treason.

To bury, to spoil.

The kiss given, immoral.

Give me a heart, measure it's beat but enemies don't work together

and that is a feat.

For one another they stab a brother.

Afraid of treason, avoiding the fact.

Only to blink, whine, then turn their backs.

Just cry your lie, for treasons for lovers.

Treason for the dead.

Treason is the reason we're falling further in debt.

Dead whales.

One of my friends dad is a biology teacher. So today her, I, and some other friends went to watch a dead whale get cut open!!! I forget what kind of whale it was....but it was hit by a ship according to them. It has two blow holes I know that and it's the only kind of whale with two blow holes. My hair was all over the place! it was soooo awesome. The friend with the dad thats a biology teacher didn't like when they cut open the whale, she didn't like it in general. I LOVED it! I was jumping up and down(Of course...that was to keep myself warm from the wind) haha. It was so awesome though, they cut off the blubber and dragged it aside for other people to cut up and throw to the seagulls. We were offered to cut up the blubber but I'm glad my friends said no, I wanted to watch. I felt kind of bad for the whale and didn't want to go when they all wanted to go to the car, I went too because I wasn't in the mood to stand alone. My dad, when I got home, asked if some one he fished with was there. I think he was, I was introduced to him, but not with my last name so I think thats why he didn't recognize me. His eyes stayed trained on my face for a second longer than the others, my face must have seemed familiar. I can see why. We were going to take the intestine out and see how far it stretched but the insides were just a bunch of goop. They originally were going to take out the heart but they couldn't even do that. I was bummed I wasn't going to get to pull the intestine out, it seemed kinda fun! I'm probably one of the most backwards girls i've met,lol! Anyways so that was a lot of fun even if it was windy and cold. The friend who's dad was a biologist's brother offered one of us a big, warm coat.(before any of us were wearing actual coats, just sweatshirts). I figured I was going to get cold, took it, and thanked him. I'm really glad I did!!!! It kept the wind offa me and kept me super warm. Very nice of him to offer. I would've frozen if I hadn't taken it.

Badmitten and respect.

Today in leadership we were watching a movie on disrespect and talking a bit about it. She played r.e.s.p.e.c.t by aretha franklin and we got to stand up and dance! Of course I was rocking out!! Daina was there backin me up and bobbing her head a bit but every one else except a few guys looked like we were crazy. Why you people gotta be so worried bout being made fun of...just lol dance in this case!

Later in p.e. I figured out i had been chosen to switch to the other teachers p.e. class. All my friends were in the other one. So I had to be badmitten partners with some one I hadn't ever talked to who was workin out some issue with her bf the whole time. Luckily I wasn't in total despair, Alex and I tossed the birdy around for a bit before sophie and trevir came and joined us. Which was fun, well way more fun than sitting round watching drama palooza. I hope we don't have to have partners any more with our own class.

Guess what, I have no variety in teachers this quarter. I have 2 classes with prolly bout 3 dif teachers. Not fun at all. One of my teachers I have two classes with sat me next to some people....lets just say(to be nice) I...don't like. Which wasn't very awesome. It feels like the new quarter a whole different story from the beginning of the school year...like some how we all grew up a few years in a few months. I guess that's just kinda how it works, I'm not sure I like it. So here comes the end of this grade in 9 weeks or somethin like that. Seems like a long time now, but I know it'll go by fast and then it'll be summer and i'll be postin stuff about goin to the beach with friends and traveling. This summer...is gonna be different that's for sure. I'm not sure different is good.

On a totally different story. This morning I found its much easier to do my hair the night before, it saves me like 10 minutes!!!I know just amazing. 10 whole minutes to stroll around the house....okay....so I'm sure you don't care but I thought it was pretty sweet. Lets see what else...oh please don't change your eye color in photos it bugs me sooooo much!! It's like...one week you have your eye color then the next your default has the same eye color as me or another friend. Personally I think you should just be happy you have eyes. Which brings up the statement an eye for an eye. Do you agree with that statement?(comment and tell me your opinion) because I myself think that sometimes you do have to pay for something you did but of course "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

Imagine

So I'll toss and turn

My sleep only burns

The aches in my stomach,

The marks on my legs,

Your love lost in the cries,

What tears I could find,

never shined.

Let hatred find my heart

Let it rip it apart

Tell me does it beat?

When it has no love?

Imagine,

You and me,

side by side

lying, crying,

dying.

So tell me now,

do you know my mind?

Does it matter if I die?

Would you love me if I were,

Some one opposite of me,

Is she so much different from me

Or is it just in your complex and beautiful mind.

because

The last thing I'll say

Is,

forgive me.

Ex-friends

There's nothing like the feeling of realizing you've lost some one you're close to. Sometimes you take forgranted what you thought was impossible to lose. But finally you realize the thread holding you to it was as thin as the gap between your own teeth. I understand some people have bigger gaps between their teeth than others. I believe thats part of it, I believe that some people are better with their friends than I am. So when you hear an insult from some one who used to back you up 100% you become weak. You don't know what to do, well I don't. It's like losing your insides and finding you're really only jelly. Maybe I am only jelly, weak and devourable. Of course I thought I was strong. I guess my old friend's right, what I thought was strong was only me being stubborn. So I write this from the confines of my home now knowing hatred and what it feels like to be pushed aside. I feel torn and broken and like I have no one to tell my life to now but I know I have my love sitting there. I can talk to him. but my friend won't be there. The humor won't lighten my day. Even though I've been insulted to the max, I still wish my friend the best life possible and when they're married and have kids running around their legs I'd be happy to say I'm glad. I just wish it could've been the other way.

The crick

Today I went to my grandpa's so called "farm". It's really just a piece of land with trees, bushes, plants, a bridge, a crick(or creek as a friend from another state said), and a cabin. I'd accidentally forgotten my camera so i only have a few pictures I took on my phone.

I got there and went down to the crick by myself first. The only people with me were my parents. I guess I wanted to be alone so I started walking on the rocks and went to the edge next to the cricks. The best spot I thought to dip my feet in the water and took my shoes and socks off. Soon my parents came down and my mom let Maizy(my dog) off of her leash.

I went over to the bridge after telling my mom where I was going, I knew she'd ask anyways. So I started to climb on it. Dad had warned me that the bridge might be a little shaky and moldy so I was trying to not fall through. He came up behind me shaking the bridge with his step. This freaked me out for a second before I looked behind me. I used to be absolutely terrified of heights but I wasn't as much any more. It barely bugged me.

My dad and I sat in my spot and threw rocks at a tree branch in the middle of the creek trying to knock the branch off. I hit it a few times but never with a big enough rock. Not even my dad could get it to snap off, although he did get it to bend a bit. We gave up, deciding we couldn't get it to snap off.

I went further down and started to walk away from the bridge. Maizy was running every where by now, soaked from swimming in the crick. Maizy came out of the water with her stick and dropped it on the now wet rocks. I watched her thinking about throwing the stick back in the water. She came up to me playfully and jumped on me. The water soaking her splashed all over me. My pants were drenched, even the crotch. If you can imagine, I was angry.

While starting to walk back to my original spot I realized I wasn't going to be left alone. My parents were trying to go into the woods and expected me to follow, I did. The branches scratched at my legs where my pants had been rolled up so they wouldn't get soaked when I dipped my feet in the water. Sticker bushes caught on my skin and shoes. I followed my dad ignoring this unless I got stuck then I quickly detached the branch and caught back up. He stopped where trees had fallen from a huge windstorm we had the year before the last. I followed his steps, over dead trees and through branches. He climbed on dead trees, I followed. I started up on a tree he was standing on. Once I was on he started to jump up and down shaking me. I started to try to balance and started to laugh. I grabbed his sleeve to steady myself as we walked further along the dead moss-covered tree. We stopped towards the end but weren't off yet.

"Let go now."

I realized I was still clutching his sleeve and let go. Silently laughing at myself. A pitt of mud was below us.
"Do you think you'd sink? Go ahead you go first." He commented.

"No, you."

"No, come on go ahead."

"You go first."

"What if I sink?"

"Like quicksand?"

He ended up jumping first=). And he didn't even sink a centimeter.

My dad and I wandered around while we lost my mom. We stumbled upon a tree that was hanging off the edge with water covering part of it. I wanted to go down and stand on the part of the tree covered with water. He politely warned me that it could fall off any time, I replied by telling him that he was scaring me and he shouldn't. First, he tested the ground a bit then walked a bit further. He poked his foot on the ground and it fell in, it was just roots surrounded by huge crevices, some filled with a thin layer of unstable dirt. He stepped a bit on the root avoiding the dirt and jumped. I followed using a different root. My dad told me that it was soft were I landed and if I'd stayed there a little longer I would've fell, I knew. We started to climb down the tree roots and dirt towards the water. He found more spots that caved in. I went further towards where I really wanted to be. When I reached a spot that I could easily reach the water I took off my converse and stepped onto the tree. It really was only hanging. I was afraid my weight would make it fall but it was more sturdy than my dad had expected. The tree dipped where I stepped in the water and came out on the other side, curving upward from the slope of dirt. I was happy to have made it and leaned against the part that curved upward and smiled. My dad climbed back out and I followed.

There was an island of rocks. Being me I wanted down towards them. I found a way through woods to get down towards the water by the rock island. Around the island there were only dirt walls that went straight up and down. I found my way through the woods. My dad and I seperated, me trying to find an easier way through so the branches didn't hurt my legs as much. I came out to find my dad standing on a tree that had fallen down and now slanted up rooting itself in that position. I climbed up next to him trying to find a way onto the rock island. I'd have to go at least up to my waist in water if I wanted to be there.

My dad and I climbed back down. I upset, he showing no expression whatsoever. I guess it was kind of hard to tell though since I was staring at his back. Haha. When I started into the woods I saw my dad stopped unsure where to go.

"Go straight and make a right!"

He didn't understand what I was talking about so I stepped in front of him to lead. I started to crawl under branches and he went to my left, finding his own way. My way was going to be quicker. So I crawled under the branches and lifted them up gently out of my way finally stepping over a wire we had come over to get there. I smiled and giggled, happy I'd gotten out first. He took a little bit longer and claimed it was better to take more time and not have to squat under branches. I still don't believe him. We went to a lake then went and sat down at the cabin. Looking at a mountain, saddle mountain. I drank two apple juices, ate part of a biscuit and a few pieces of chicken. Then went back down to the crick by myself.

I stuck my feet in the water and walked on the smooth rocks. Then took some pictures. My dad came and told me to come, it was time to go. I didn't ever wanted to leave but put on my jacket and shoes, then followed anyways. Finally it had been a sunny day and I hadn't wasted it.

Poem

Bury your sorrow

Soothe my soul
Nothing is left of a broken window.
So carry your spirits, hung by the neck
and show me a new life for living and dead.

Today.

She's alone in the hallway writing her math. Teaching you there's nothing left. You've got to push until you're dead. The last thing you mention is the thoughts in her head. Unheard of.

Today I wanted to do something useful but I never got around to anything but causing trouble. I know all of this looks kinda emo or whatever. I don't think I'll fix it until some one tells me to. Today I played piano and worked on my book report some, but barely. I posted a link to this on my myspace and I wonder if any one will actually look at it, I doubt it.

I'm hoping I can hang out with my friends this weekend but I'm not sure. My book report might just occupy my entire weekend including Monday(which we have off for report cards). One B isn't that fun? I really don't even care that much about grades. Wonder how many people actually do in my class right now.

My favorite person in the world lives quite a bit of a ways away... sometimes I wonder if that matters. I love him tons and trust me he knows. Haha.

Lets see while I'm giving you a whole summary of my life... My mom's a clean freak. All my friends think she's the nicest lady ever but you haven't met her until you've seen her go on one of her "rampages". My dad always just gets out of the way and smiles politely when I say she's on a rampage and tearing apart my stuff. Heh. Shows you how much he knows not to interfere with them. My dad's really my favorite but shhh. Mother calls me her baby because I'm the youngest in the family but trust me if I wanted to be a little itsy baby who pukes every where I'd tell you.

I don't consider myself smart and I don't expect you to consider me smart either but I hope you like me. I love comments and that kind of stuff. Makes me feel special. Anyways you'll probably get to know me extremely well and sometimes I can seem blase(my favorite word ever) but a lot of times I'll make it sound way better than it is. So, maybe eventually I'll get people to talk to me. For now my stomach's in a knot of hunger. No lunch or dinner and I believe its snack time. haha. byyee!

Love

Why is it that love is supposedly so complicated? When all it really is is another feeling, like happiness. You love a person and then they question if that is possible but when presented with hatred you do not try to deny. I meant to say something completely opposite here but once again I lost track of myself. Haha. Love is like a little bit of joy in a hate filled life. Even if it is a friendly love, it's still an amazing amount of care the other person is setting aside for you. So does it matter who you love? Or are people just misunderstanding. Maybe it's a bit of both, I'm not sure but sometimes I do wonder if I can deny my love for some one. Then a second thought comes in my head and I realize I can't, I can only hide that it exists. Although I don't wish to hide it, I know I do sometimes.

Here.

Hi I just started this up and am amazed. I'll get on later tonight and post something actually worth while but for now I'm supposed to be doing a book report. As much as I love homework(not) I decided to get on and start up a blog. It was quite a random idea actually. Anyways I'll be back.