Everything seems so invisible, so relevent.
EVERYTHING
I think I'm losing my mind again. I feel so sad and nothing feels right but I swear I'm not emo or depressed. It feels like a repeat of last summer, so trivial. I'm tired of it.
I'm growing fatter and fatter every day and I know why. My friends would call me anorexic because I wasn't hungry enough to eat that much. That was just how I was. They would call me anorexic, tell me I was like a stick, and each one they'd say in a pissed voice.I wasn't happy with my weight, I wanted to be skinnier. They'd never seen me...well if you know what I mean. So...I started to eat more and more and more cause I was tired of the same thing every week maybe even daily about me being "anorexic". I'm not and never have been anorexic. Now they don't even mention it and I won't look in the mirror any more. I'm tired of myself, tired of me.
I realized today(like I do almost every day) that I was ugly, just today it seemed significant. Please don't get me the wrong way. Every one seems to have issues with people like me who can't help themselves but I don't want that. I guess I'm just writing this so I don't have to tell actual people. So I don't have to tell people I'm terrible and hate myself.
My nightmares are coming back and I look tired. I look like I can't sleep. I'm not an insomniac. I just...have nightmares. The nightmares have been going on for about three weeks now. I've only told 1 or 2 people about them,
I thought they were gone.
I thought...
everything.
Now I'm starting to notice everything every one does again. From the position they stand to the nervous quiver of their lip. I'm sick of myself. I can't help it! Some one stop me. No one wants to be friends with a depressed person and that obviously makes it no better. People wonder why depressed people never come out of that slump, I'll tell you why. It's because people treat them like shit and they don't know any better than to think they're terrible or hated because that's what you damned people tell them!
I'm getting out of hand, I'm sorry. So for any one who reads this. Last summer I wouldn't eat much, wouldn't sleep much, and I don't know the exact definition of depressed but I think you could say I was but this is something I wrote about 5 weeks ago.
Show me reality when I see no light.
Hug me till there is no fright.
When my minds foggy blow away the clouds.
When I doubt that you love me
whisper until I hear shouts.
I crawl across light, open space
blinded by the colors shining in my face.
Lead me through your mind,
show me treasures I thought I'd never find.
Take my heart away but maybe you can see
it's beat is still unrhymed.
It's happy. I can't help myself. My mind runs through everything. I felt so....blinded like I had before last summer. I'm only getting worse....and no one can notice because I want no one to know. I don't want to be that person again.
No comments:
Post a Comment